Dear Comic Book Reading Lady at the Bottom of the Montgomery Bart Escalator,

Hey there, it's me Sabrina. No, not Sabrina the teenage witch from the comic book you were reading, but Sabrina the gal who got stuck behind you because you were reading in a totally illogical place.

And since we’ve brought it up, can I ask why you were standing there to begin with? Who stops at the bottom of an escalator and says, “Why yes. This is actually an amazing place to stop and read.”  You were at the bottom of a busy escalator during rush hour. There were loads of people being forced to register that you were in the way, and then try to find a way around you.  And it’s not like the platform was so crowded that there was no where else to stand. I mean, it's a pretty large platform.

So tell me, why did you stand there? Was the lighting better? Was there a slight breeze? Do you like irritating other people? Was it that you recognized someone around the corner and you did not want them to see you reading a children’s comic book? Actually, on second thought I know that can’t be the reason. I know this because you were so engrossed in your comic book that you didn’t even notice that people were practically bumping into you. If you can’t notice this, then I’m sure you wouldn’t notice someone else seeing you. And you sure didn't notice when I stopped and took your picture.

You know, I have to admit, I have never seen anyone quite as engrossed in a comic book as you were. Is it that Sabrina the Teenage Witch is actually a hidden literary gem that demands your total attention? If this is the case, can you please let us know what issue it is? I say we all hunt it down and start a book club discussion on it. Maybe once I see how amazing it is, I will finally understand why you were standing there blocking an escalator.

But until then, I suggest you keep on moving.

xoxo,
-sabs.

Dear One-Legged Guy with the Great Pug,

Let me start off by saying kudos to you! You pulled off quite the feat today at the Pet Fair. I'm talking about how you managed to blend right in to this rather suburban yuppie event despite being heavily-tatooed with a huge spikey nasal septum piercing and Harley Davidson t-shirt, and questionable vest. You and your adorbable pig-sounding heavy-breathing pug dog were just another happy dog/owner team out enjoying the day's festivities. In fact it wasn't until I spotted you -- it wasn't hard, that pug of yours sounds like it needs a c-pap machine (that's one of those machines they give folks with sleep apnea so they can breathe better) -- the fifth time that I noticed that you only had one leg! (Just what kind of a prosethetic device do you have? It looked quite handy considering that the base was a large circle. Does that help for balancing?). Is the dog, the piercings, the tatoos and the outfit intentionally chosen to draw attention away from your leg? Or is this merely just a side-effect of your choices?

I also couldn't help notice how happy you seemed at this event and wondered if you enjoy hanging out with other dog-owners. You struck me as an odd soul who might in normal situations be too shy to approach other folks. Is this true? If so, you should try going to more dog parks. I think you might enjoy them as well.

Well sir, best wishes and I hope you and your puppy have a happy life. Your dog really is quite cute, despite (or maybe because of) its crazy pig noises.

xoxo,
-sabs.

Dear Unknown Synchronized Dancers,

I'm not totally sure what you were doing next door to the Metreon (not quite in Yerba Buena Park), but the plain clothes synchronized dancing that I saw you performing this morning absolutely made my day. For a quick second I thought I had stumbled into a West Side Story. I looked across the street to see who you were rumbling against, but there was no one there. Were your rivals invisible? Or were you just getting ready for the next time you came across them? Were you reliving that time where you kicked all of those guys asses? Or wait, are you the ones who got your asses kicked? Either way it was fabulous. I hope you beat your rivals the next time you see them.

xoxo,
-sabs.

Dear Ben Gibbard,

First of all let me start of by saying that I used to be a fan of your music. I recall living in my flat in Cambridge and listening to your album We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes and thinking how loverly it was. However Ben (may I call you Ben?), that was years ago, not quite a decade, but well years. These days I can no longer handle it. The tweeness of your voice, the non-classically-attractive attractiveness, the squishy lovable nature, all of it. I can not stand it. These days your voice drives me up the friggin wall.

These days one of your songs comes on the radio and I just want to throw something, I want to punch a wall, and I want to stomp up and down. Your voice has become worse than metal scraping metal. And the worst part is that it makes me feel guilty. I feel totally guilty for thinking of how much I want to punch something. Your voice makes me feel like I have kicked a puppy.

I know that you and your band are riding a great trajectory and I'm thrilled for you. Pleased indeed, it's nice to see folks do well. However, for the safety of all walls, puppies and pourous surfaces around me, can you please stop? If not, can you at least do something that makes you sound less whiny. For example, your work in the Postal Service is actually quite nice. And your older works don't make me so angry. There is something that you're doing now that you didn't do before. You are selling more records now, so maybe it's working out in your favor, but I beg of you, please stop. What if I actually do a kick a puppy one day? How will you feel then?

Thank you for your time and consideration.

xoxo,
-sabs.

PS: I once had a record label person tell me that Death Cab was "the new Coldplay." I thought you should know that Chris Martin makes me feel the same way. I guess this means the record label folks were right. Congratulations.

Dear Potentially Homeless Man,

First of all, let's get one thing straight, are you even homeless? I know that there are a bajillion homeless people in this city, and that you may well be one of them, but I was somewhat confused. You didn't look that homeless, how am I supposed to know?

Secondly, why were you blocking our way? Do you assume that blocking people will make them like you more and therefore give you more moneys? I have news for you, you're wrong. Especially when you don't even look that homeless.

Thirdly, what is your angle? As I mentioned before, there are tons of homeless folks in this city. The ones I see usually have a sign letting us know who they are, and why they're there. You did not have a sign, nor did you say anything. And since you did not look totally homeless, I couldn't help but wonder what on earth it was you were doing. Why were you standing there blocking us all with your arms extended? Were you asking for change? Did you want my recycling? Did you think you were Jesus? I didn't see any stigmata on your hands, and besides Jesus wouldn't wear a track-suit jacket like that. I just know he wouldn't.

In short, I have a few recommendations for you.

1. if you are going to panhandle, get an angle. make me feel bad for ignoring you.
2. show up dressed for the part. if you're just some dude wearing a track jacket with his arms extended, how do I know that you're panhandling?
3. seriously, move to another town. there's too much competition here. move to a small town where you can be the token track-suit wearing homeless guy.
4. look less creepy. really i don't have any better advice than that.

Well I hope I don't run into you again, but if I do, I hope you have taken some of my advice.

Yours Truly,
-sabs.