Dear Lady Crossing Herself on the Bart Train,

I first noticed you cross yourself right before the train took off, and then I noticed you do it again at each and every stop. Were you afraid of something, or is this just your normal ritual? Is this just in case vampires turn up on the train? Because I really don’t think vampires would ride this train. They would just fly or run fast, or do whatever it is that vampires do to get there faster than the Bart Train. I mean, wouldn’t you if you were a vampire?

Oh wait, were you crossing yourself in case there were chubacabra?  I don’t think there have been any reports down here. You’re probably safe without the crossing. There haven’t been any werewolf reports either.

And if it’s not vampires, werewolves, or chubacabras, then what it is? Why are you crossing yourself at every single station? Why are you crossing yourself and making me paranoid that something is going to happen? Do you think the train is going to crash if you don’t cross yourself at the station we will all die? I’m not totally sure that’s true.

Although, if you have a weird Heroes power where you can see the future and crossing yourself changes the path fo fate, then who am I to judge? If this is the case, then please continue crossing yourself, I’m not really ready to die. And if this isn’t the case, then can you tell me why? What are you so afraid of?

Thanks for your time.

xoxo,
-sabs.

Dear Crazy Lady on 16th Street,

Thanks for entertaining me this evening. I was about a block away when I first noticed you and your friend. I thought to myself, “oh boy, this is going to be fun.” And you know what? It was! You and your pal sure did not disappoint!

First there was the stumbly drunken walking. I mean there’s nothing like being drunk before the sun goes down. Especially when you’re in public, Second there was the sort of frantic pace in which you were walking in to every single business on the street. You repeatedly walked in and then walked out. I saw you do this to at least three different places. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening until I was right by you and overheard you say to your friend, “It doesn’t matter now. I just had an accident.” That’s when I realized that you were trying to use the restroom in these establishments and they weren’t letting you in!

So now crazy lady, I have to ask why on earth would you tell your friend that you just went in your pants? (Note: your pants didn’t look wet, so I can only pray that it was number one and not two) Also, why on earth did you feel it necessary to yell this down the street. Now we all know that you had an “accident.” Isn’t that something you want to keep private?

Look, you entertained me quite well this evening. And to thank you, I’ll give you this one small piece of advice. Remember this and you might just be okay. No one needs to know if you had an “accident.” No one.

xoxo,
-sabs

Dear Comic Book Reading Lady at the Bottom of the Montgomery Bart Escalator,

Hey there, it's me Sabrina. No, not Sabrina the teenage witch from the comic book you were reading, but Sabrina the gal who got stuck behind you because you were reading in a totally illogical place.

And since we’ve brought it up, can I ask why you were standing there to begin with? Who stops at the bottom of an escalator and says, “Why yes. This is actually an amazing place to stop and read.”  You were at the bottom of a busy escalator during rush hour. There were loads of people being forced to register that you were in the way, and then try to find a way around you.  And it’s not like the platform was so crowded that there was no where else to stand. I mean, it's a pretty large platform.

So tell me, why did you stand there? Was the lighting better? Was there a slight breeze? Do you like irritating other people? Was it that you recognized someone around the corner and you did not want them to see you reading a children’s comic book? Actually, on second thought I know that can’t be the reason. I know this because you were so engrossed in your comic book that you didn’t even notice that people were practically bumping into you. If you can’t notice this, then I’m sure you wouldn’t notice someone else seeing you. And you sure didn't notice when I stopped and took your picture.

You know, I have to admit, I have never seen anyone quite as engrossed in a comic book as you were. Is it that Sabrina the Teenage Witch is actually a hidden literary gem that demands your total attention? If this is the case, can you please let us know what issue it is? I say we all hunt it down and start a book club discussion on it. Maybe once I see how amazing it is, I will finally understand why you were standing there blocking an escalator.

But until then, I suggest you keep on moving.

xoxo,
-sabs.

Dear Potentially Homeless Man,

First of all, let's get one thing straight, are you even homeless? I know that there are a bajillion homeless people in this city, and that you may well be one of them, but I was somewhat confused. You didn't look that homeless, how am I supposed to know?

Secondly, why were you blocking our way? Do you assume that blocking people will make them like you more and therefore give you more moneys? I have news for you, you're wrong. Especially when you don't even look that homeless.

Thirdly, what is your angle? As I mentioned before, there are tons of homeless folks in this city. The ones I see usually have a sign letting us know who they are, and why they're there. You did not have a sign, nor did you say anything. And since you did not look totally homeless, I couldn't help but wonder what on earth it was you were doing. Why were you standing there blocking us all with your arms extended? Were you asking for change? Did you want my recycling? Did you think you were Jesus? I didn't see any stigmata on your hands, and besides Jesus wouldn't wear a track-suit jacket like that. I just know he wouldn't.

In short, I have a few recommendations for you.

1. if you are going to panhandle, get an angle. make me feel bad for ignoring you.
2. show up dressed for the part. if you're just some dude wearing a track jacket with his arms extended, how do I know that you're panhandling?
3. seriously, move to another town. there's too much competition here. move to a small town where you can be the token track-suit wearing homeless guy.
4. look less creepy. really i don't have any better advice than that.

Well I hope I don't run into you again, but if I do, I hope you have taken some of my advice.

Yours Truly,
-sabs.